Things I learned from the 50 Shades of Grey Movie
Hi, I'm Tom and I did not read the book 50 Shades of Grey but I went to see the movie. It is a very sexy movie, but I'm a guy that likes to make fun of everything. So I made a list of things I learned by watching this film.
1. Billionaires often perform cunnilingus, but not for a very long time. I guess when you are that rich and handsome, a couple of licks is all it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. The rest of us have to work at it.
2. When eating pussy, Stay high up on a woman's pelvis, as if you were licking a woman's wasteline. Why? I am guessng that the motion picture rating system makes sure the sex didn't look too sexy. Is there a guideline for this? Who makes that decision? "Well, you can portray oral sex, but it has to be geometrically impossible so that people don't figure out how to do it well."
3. When I rip up a pair of jeans I'm going to tell my wife they are now my "sex jeans". Billionaires wear ripped up jeans when they have sex. Also, even if they have a bunch of belts hanging on the wall of their red rooms of pain, they still don't wear one.
4. Did you hear? There is a new rule in Hollywood. Movies no longer need to tell you anything about the characters if 10,000,000 people read the book. The rest of us have to figure it out. Fortunately, there isn't much to figure. She is an English-Literature Major and he is a Billionaire. What else do we need to know? Instead of telling us about them, introduce us to their' parents, but don't have them do anything or say anything of substance about their children. In fact, don't have anyone do anything, maybe the audience will judge them based upon the shape of their wine glasses or something..
5. I learned that I like watching naked people on the big screen. That part was pretty sweet. I am not going to lie. Both characters look great naked, it was worth the 10 bucks alone. I'm sure Europe got to see more of them, but here in the USA women were prevented from seeing a penis because of God and government.
6. If you fly to a different city you can rent an Audi apparently, either that or this movie just set some kind of record for product placement revenue.
7. There are women out there who would go for an acrobatic ride in a glider and not puke.
8. Female college graduates look 30 years old, have flip-phones(?) and drive old volkswagon bugs.
9. If I were to ever spank someone hard six times with a belt, I would be dripping in sweat by the sixth.
10. I just watched a long movie that had no apparent plot, where nothing really happened, and it had a to-be-continued ending. I've been roped into a soap opera!
11. Anyone who likes sex that is different from the kind of sex that creates babies is a monster and the result of childhood abuse.
In summary, I enjoyed watching 50 Shades of Grey and thought that they did a good job. It looked great and managed to fill the theatre with tension and beauty. I wish every film, even those with a great plot and without so many technical blunders would be allowed the freedom to be as sexy.