Product Descriptions

Part of my job is to find the widest variety of products that people wouldn't want to be seen buying in a store or pharmacy. We look for products that cure the most embarrassing ailments possible. Another part of my job is to write the product descriptions for these items. We like to stay away from the manufacturers descriptions for many items. Sometimes the manufacturers make promises that couldn't possibly be true while other descriptions containe so much jargon that they are meaningless. I prefer to be funny and to-the-point.

I once read a book (yep, I read a whole book once) and when I was done reading this particular book I decided that I wanted to be the type of person who sold products through complete honesty. I wanted to be the type of person that if you sat next to me on a plane when the flight was over you would first believe in that person's honesty and secondly want to purchase from them. After the flight you might take a business card and order from our website. I never wanted to be the type of person that would call you about a purchase. I prefer to present myself and if you like me, I hope you will shop.

Enough about my sales philosophy. Here, straight from my slightly warped mind are my favorite product descriptions of all time. I am sure you will like them.

Eyebrow Tweezers - One of the first 50 items that we listed when we started in 1998 was a pair of eyebrow tweezers. I decided to be a wise buy and I penned the tagline "Go from one eyebrow to two". Our visitors responded and made it one of our most popular items.

Nose Hair Trimmer Comparison Test - Another early effort was a side-by-side comparison test of nose hair trimmers. The results were interesting, we liked some and didn't like others. It was a lesson learned for us and has been a big hit for the 10,000 or so visitors it receives each year.

Jenna's Hot Trimmer - A hair trimmer endorsed by a porn star, reading this description is like watching a train wreck. It is tragic, but you really can't keep your eyes off of it.

Charcocaps - Selling pills that are meant to keep your intestinal gas from smelling bad was a challenge that I was willing to take.

Penis "Enhancement" Pills - The closest thing you will find to the truth at any website.

A Tongue Scraper - I used to have bad breath all of the time, but since I began scraping my tongue I only have bad breath once in a while.

A Wooden Back Scratcher - $1.99 back scratcher can keep a man busy for hours.

The Flat-D Underwear Fart Filter - Who would have thought that a marine farting in his chemical warfare suit would have given birth to an invention of this magnatude.

The Razorba - Did you know that there is a product on the market that helps you shave your own back? We are one of the only stores to carry it.

Odor Eaters Foot Deodorant - Sometimes I like to rant about a subject that is barely connected to the product listed. Sometimes it is even interesting. This might be one of those times.

Cottonelle Moist Wipes - Moist wipes for adult fannies posed a unique marketing solution. I invented the top 10 rejected slogans for Cottonelle Moist Wipes.

The First Ever Taste Test of Edible Personal Lubricants - The horrendous stomach ache I received was worth the effort for this tell all review of edible lubricants.